Journal Entry 7/28/2010

Eight months ago, my thoughts were composed entirely of term paper topics, test materials, grades, homework, extracurricular activities, and college applications. Then May 22nd came up much sooner than my internal calendar said it should, and I found myself packing a box containing my high school diploma. Three days later that box and ten others of similar size were placed in the basement of a very large house in West Virginia. I had to re-tape most of them to ensure that they were bug-proof. An act proven unnecessary in the dry and lovely state of Colorado. Three weeks and nine very long hours later, with disheveled hair, I stepped off a train at Penn Station, NY with one suitcase and a red shoulder bag.
Now, as I inhabit 210 101st St., my thoughts are filled with the concerns of a parent, for in several ways, I have to act as one. And when they are not, or rather when I do not take on the parental role, I, usually alone, explore the expansive and dynamic realm of New York City.
The occasion never ceases to surprise me, that I grow up more than I ever have, in an exceedingly short amount of time. It reminds me that time is not so relevant. Time is not eternal; time is temporal. I don't know how old I am. And how absurd is that?
I only know that I am who I am. I am me. I am Sherilyn- I grow and I learn and I experience. To sum it up, I am a daughter of God. I rather like thinking in terms of God's time, rather, no time. It helps me to recognize the difference between careless cares and rejected priorities. Time is given to men so they have something -oddly enough- intangible to hold on to.
And I like Time, too. When I'm smart, we get along really well. In fact, life is often a race. Time is always there, knocking on my door and wanting to play. I only accept the invite because I know the knocking would get to me if I didn't let him in. So I embrace our playtime. I win most of the games- or I claim to -and I shrug when I lose. We people need a breather every now and then; Time doesn't believe in breathing. Time just goes. I'd like to know how his mind works. During some of his games it seems like he is actually giving in to my little inquests concerning coconut milk and a bathing suit. Nevertheless, what an interesting and steadfast character he is, Time.

So I've grown up. But I'm still a little girl. I will never doubt nor retract that. And part of maturity is knowing when to let the little girl inside loose and when to embrace seriousness; it is controlling all the various emotions within and knowing where and when to focus those emotions- on the self? or on others? and which others? well, all. Until marriage. Marriage complicates things. Time and I haven't gotten to that game on the shelf yet, thankfully. I won't jump ahead. No, instead, I want to play the game called, College, but Time is a bit reluctant on that one. In fact, if we're talking maturity, I've been ready to play College since Time started the Senior Year of High School game with me. Well, I'm not a sore loser, so I'll be patient and let time win that argument; thus we're playing The Last Summer Before What People Call Real Life Begins. It's not so bad. In fact, I quite like it. It just goes to show that you can be happy in any situation. And, Time is pretty smart too. I'm glad Time was smart enough to know I would like this game. In fact, I'm really glad we pulled this one off the shelf.

And we all know that Time is in on God's Plans. You see, Time doesn't knock on His door the way he knocks on our doors. Time just comes over for tea and chats on Sunday afternoons. God is very gracious, as always, and to be entirely honest, He governs Time. And Time is willing. God is God to Time, too, of course. Time worships and bows to God as we do. Time loves Him. That's why he doesn't go bothering by knocking so loud and continually on His door. So it really is a wonderful relationship. Thus Time knows exactly what games to pull off the shelf, though He may not know why. After all, no one knows the mind of God. We only have tiny, minuscule fractions of what Heavenly Father knows.

So in eight months I have gained on Time. Spiritually, I have played probably six or seven years of games, and I have won most of them, and learned from the ones I have lost. In any case, life is good and wonderful, because the Lord is good to His people, and gracious when we are imperfect, as we are. And yet my mind, mortal as it is, always finds it hard to fathom the greatness of the Lord's Plan.

And I will bid adieu there, for the...time being. Pun entirely intended.

Sherilyn

When I look around me...

When I look around me and everything I see- the sky, trees, birds--my loving mother -it's hard to suppress the love that fills my heart. I am so filled with gratitude for God, even my loving, eternal Father in Heaven, and that He has sent me here on Earth for a reason and a purpose- a divine purpose -to spread His true and everlasting Gospel to all of His beloved children. He has given me so much knowledge of the Truth- the truth of all of it. Every single question- and I exaggerate not -has been answered by His Holy Spirit, who dwells in me even now. And I know with out a doubt, and I could never deny, that all things shall be known unto me by the Spirit, as long as I am righteous. I am so happy. It is incredible- all of it. To know that I am loved so much- to an infinite and eternal degree -by my Heavenly Father, that He has entrusted the knowledge of His gospel to me. And I want every single person to have what I have. Because He loves them just as much. I want this more than anything I could ever want. I want my future husband to be a worthy priesthood holder and I want to live with him for eternity as his wife; I want our children to live with this same blessing, and for eternity. I want it so much for every human being God has ever created. That is what joy is. Joy is the knowledge that what you know is both true and eternally gracious and joyful and sharing that with everyone who exists. Because spirits are eternal, and so is this gospel of Jesus Christ. Even the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And I am grateful.


Whenever I hear the song of a bird,
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face,
Or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose,
Or walk by our lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world,
Heavenly Father created for me.

He gave me my eyes that I might see,
The colors of butterfly wings.
He gave me my ears that I might hear,
The magical sounds of things.
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart,
I thank Him reverently,
For all His creations of which I'm a part,
Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me. ♥

The Other Sequel: Suitor Distraught?

Heavens. Solitary wanderings.
What end is there to limit?
Stranger pursuits, perhaps, though thoughtless,
Wander.
Fences have more freedom than this rope:
This tight rope that binds me.
Bound in reckless freedom.
Heavens. The swallows reach those limits,
But I, no, not I.
Heavens.

The Sequel: Damsel Sought

It is not right; it is not right.
The rose wilts; the green grass has lost it's color:
It now drifts from place to place,
Easily caught by flaunting winds.
A grain of sand travels the world over;
The waves carry it.
The waves carry a grain of sand,
It does not object.
But where is the place of a white fleck,
When it is found on a brown shore?

The Damsel is in Distress

Ah, impatience. Sweet ambrosia would never taste so good....
The rose, however, lacks indulgence, lacks passion.
A torrent sea would be more soothing,
A dragon more slothful,
A firefly less eager than the sun to shine at night;
How fitting, it would seem, to bask in those oneiric wishes;
How wrong: the truth is severe.
Ah, impatience.

Concerning Matters of the Luftmensch Heart

When one is young and vibrant, love seems so confused. There are so many questions; so many possibilities for the future; everything is so uncertain. When does one know when one finds one's true love? When does one know who the "right" one is? It is such a trivial subject, and I am such a luftmensch to bring it up; but what if you were just going along in your life, and all of a sudden, someone walks in and ruins it all? Now your life is almost centered around this person and you try to shove it off. Surprisingly, very surprisingly, you keep finding things that fit perfectly into your ideal. Random things- things like how he talks and certain words he uses in his speaking to you, and maybe who his favorite composer is. Then things like his hobbies and interests; and most importantly, his values! How he treats people, how he just loves everyone. He's so good, better than you, and he actually likes the way you do things. And then, to be entirely superficial, he's very attractive; kind of like the cherry on top. He really seems perfect. Perfect, except for only one thing- the most vital thing- the aspect that makes you wonder: "Why is it, that he doesn't have this???" because it fits perfectly with everything else! It's like a puzzle piece that completes the picture exactly- same colors, shape, size...all that is wrong is the fact that there is one peg that doesn't match the hole. How can that even work??? How is that possible??? And it is simply vital, so you don't even know what to do about it. And nothing, I repeat, nothing can happen if this aspect is missing!
It is all very vexing, of course, but there is more. There aren't very many chances to talk to him, so the fact that you really, really want to get to know him better happens to become the seldom and precious moments that you long for every minute of everyday. Anticipation is so ridiculously hard to endure.
SO, how does one know if one has found the "right" one yet? I have no idea, because it always seems like the "right" one at the moment, and yet, when you are so sure about it, the whole world goes topsy turvy again.

Autumn Abstractions

Wow, I haven't posted a blog in quite a while! Being the luftmensch that I am, I suppose I've just kept everything in my head.

It's a beautiful October day with a bit of cloud cover and a chill breeze. The ground is scattered with dried and sundry leaves making the tree branches nearly bare. The grass is still green, creating a contrast of colors that is most appealing to the eye. Mom has uncovered and dusted the Halloween decorations and little pumpkin lanterns sway on their hooks. Scents of Patchouli and Licorice hang in the air and the spicy sensation of apple crisp wafts in my direction. It is Fall Break and my mind seems to be slightly detached; captured entirely by these striking details.